I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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