life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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