it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
