you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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