We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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