see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
