Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
