Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
