After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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