Umm I'm too high to move.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Randomize
