Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
