I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Dicks are not precious.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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