how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
