As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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