I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
