Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
