Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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