Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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