remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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