Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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