No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
