maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
