i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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