can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
