At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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