I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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