So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
