omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
