For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
