Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
