I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
