Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS