I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
two words...techno handjob
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage