As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
