You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
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I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
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The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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