Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
