Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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