i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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