im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
