you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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