dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
