He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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