i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
he shaved USA in his pubs
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
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Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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