I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
