i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
