I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
