Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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