She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
