She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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