I could have mohawked her pubes.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Randomize
