I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
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No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
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I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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