So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
