I want to have your abortion
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
