i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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