I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
it's great music for shaving your balls
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
