there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
