First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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