You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
