Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
