at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Bring me that man meat
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
