WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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