my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
