I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
