I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Bring me that man meat
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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