you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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