sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We need to get me chipped asap
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
