I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
