Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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